FINALLY, I GOT IT!

Last night i was told by my friend about the "Bersih Rally" that took place at Dataran Merdeka on November 10th, and thats like yeserday. At first i was distraught with the idea that we're having a demonstration in the comfort of my own country, my home...being in Indonesia and seeing demonstrations taking place everywhere, at all times makes me a bit phobic and nauseous when it comes to talking about demonstrations. so there i was at about 4a.m in the morning, sitting near my fridge (which is near to the door where the connection was at its best) trying to figure out what has caused this rally to happen at the first place....i mean surely there has got to be a reason as to why this is happening...there must be something that triggers fellow Malaysians to gather up and voice their opinions so that the government would hear them...and i pray to God that whatever the reason maybe i hope its a very sound reason (unlike the reasons these Indonesians have to cause such riots...its completely ridiculous!)



recalling the 3 weeks of my holiday for the eid recently ( and thats like 2 weeks ago...) i dont recall anything of significance that can cause this to happen...all i remembered, that the country was enthusiatic about our angkasawan in space and maybe the only significant event was the "fight" between Samy Vellu and M Kayveas...but lets face it, im not being racial about this, but that only involves the Indian community in the country... i am not saying that, that sole reason itself cant cause the riot to happen but i keep thinking that there has got to be something else.


so i got up just now at 3.30pm seeing that i slept at 8a.m this morning and immediately checked out the "Bersih Rally". i wanted to know what has caused this to happen...and finally
after reading "Malaysia Today" i finally understood.


During my holiday there were news involving the BPR, Anwar and tapes...i watched it like everyday, but it was rather a very short news each day and well, we know who it favors right? my mama n i were trying hard to figure it out, we know it involves the judiciary but we dont know that for sure...when i got back to medan, i often check out blogs by Zainul Arifin of The NST and even he commented on the crisis in our judiciary system but it was very brief so i dont really understand what is going on.


but now, i finally got it...i guess the man still got his touch huh? i often hope that he will just give it a break now that he's been released but the man is always on the go...well, i suppose when u have a strong beliefs on something and the need to confide the truth and fight for justice is just too strong, the phrase "let it go" seems like a blasphemy. but we cant blame him can we? he's been through a difficult time of his life and i guess thats all the motivation he needs to drive him all the way...


of course there are many other factors that contributes to the rally. seeing that the election is just around the corner (i only realised it coz the BPR is doing extra hours of work nowadays) that pretty much adds up to this.


and all they want is a fair election and a transparent system that works for everybody, everyone regardless the status and wealth. well, i have yet to vote....the next election will be the first time im voting actually and frankly speaking im pretty excited about it =)


but lets get real....i believe that a fair election can be conducted if everyone is determined to make it work. it is not impossible as it has been done numerous times before. hence we being "Malaysia Boleh" can definitely pull it off too....


but what about a fair system? democracy, not just the word itself but actually practicing it! i mean, people can talk...everyone can talk but can they really practice the values that they preached? can they walk the walk and talk the talk? its easier said than done right? and here we are, often talking about what a transparent our system really is, and how thankful we should be as a Malaysians for having a system as such etc,etc.....


i am proud to be a malaysian. compared to where i am right now, there is no other place i want to be rather than malaysia. many reasons why I and of course the fellow nations are proud to be malaysians. but for me personally, it is definitely not because of the "transparent" system that protects the citizen...im not going to say that the system is just lousy, we could have been worst right? but to me its more like translucent. if u refer the dictionary it says that translucent means not transparent, but clear enough to allow light to pass through and to me, that describes the system fine and dandy...


so why hide behind the truth? everybody is aware of this fact, and even the people in the system and the ones who helped created the system knows it. and now, the people who has obliged to follow the system for all these years has finally spoken out. they try to ask for a permit (trying to do this the right way..) but their request were being ignored. like a child who is being ignored by their parents, they grow up to be a rebel. and why is that so? to seek attention from their parents of course! and so the rally took place anyway despite all the strings being pulled to stop it...


if u read Special Reports 2007: Special Page for 10 November on Malaysia Today, u can see how determined these people are despite the hardship trying to get into the city....road blocks as far from Melaka all the way to Dataran Merdeka (for godsake la people!) its amazing really...too bad i wasnt in the country yesterday, or else i could have caught it live....


but like i said before....with great beliefs comes great determination.....
its all that it takes.......


it all started so peaceful and we know how it turns out in the end right? its just so funny in a way...are they that afraid to actually went to that length to stop them? its like beating your own children. is this a good example of parenting? is this how we should teach our children? when we are being told to practice good parenting all the time and suddenly this happens?


its amazing, beyond amazing actually....and to watch the news by al-jazeera on you tube its just sad....i kept asking myself, is this happening in my country? coz this sure looks like the news i always watch here....but seeing the masjid jamek LRT station made me realise, hell, it is my country...


that got me freaked out a bit...i was thankful coz it didnt ended with bloodshed or anything but the idea that this may happen again....its scary. im not in beauty contest to promote world peace, but before we are too busy about the world lets narrow it down to our country first.


we are indeed a proud nation and by all means we should keep it in our grasp and never let it go. i believe that no one is perfect and we all have our mistakes in past. can we erase them? no...whats done is done and should be left at that. what we can do is move on....maybe if we just learn to come clean and admit our mistakes, not trying to accuse the other party to cover up our wrong doings then maybe we can work it out. but we must remember that one shouldnt be blamed for another persons' mistakes....that is just not fair to me....and we want fairness right? maybe we can start by being fair to ourselves and from there we can work out on how to be fair to others....now, hows that for a change?


its called simple psychology....

R.E.I.N.C.A.R.N.A.T.I.O.N.

Heylooooo there…

Well, I know it’s been awhile since I blog and I’ve been ignoring this blog completely since, god knows when (although it says that last article published was in August 8th) but I guess its about time that I start blogging again…

Just browsing through all the stuff that I had written here makes me realize the reason why I started this blog. It’s a way to let go all the things that I have stored with in me. Lets face it, sometimes even when ure with around the closest people in your life, u still have difficulties telling them what going in inside ou, for fear that they might not want to hear, or they might be sick and tired listening to you whining about your life all day long (and believe me when I say, I am one hell of a whiner…it’s my specialty) which of course I’m trying very hard working on it right now…. Even when they say that, if they are your true friends, they wont mind listening to your crap, but come on, get real shall we? How many loads of crap can a person take? Friends of foe, it’s still the same…of course for foe it would be much, much lesser…

So that was the reason why I started the blog. I was going through a very rough patch in my life at that time and I had to look for a place to let it all go…and I find that it works. So now, since I’m back on track and I’ve learn to deal with it I decided to give this a fresh start… we can call it the “reincarnation” of me in my blog…hehe….

So, I made a pledge to myself to regularly blog here if not everyday then every other day… so there you go…all said and done… I guess we’ll be seeing each other a lot from now on…chioz! =)

U.M.B.R.E.L.L.A

(Jay-Z)

(Uh huh, uh huh) Remix
(Uh huh, uh huh) Yea Rihanna, Chris Brown
(Uh huh, uh huh) Good girl gone bad
(Uh huh, uh huh) Take three... Action!
(Uh huh, uh huh) Hov!

 No clouds in my stones
Let it rain, I hydroplane into fame (Eh, eh, eh)
Coming down with the Dow Jones
When the clouds come we gone
We roc-a-fella (Eh, eh, eh)
We fly higher than weather and G5's are better
You know me, an anticipation for precipitation
Stacks chips for the rainy day (Eh, eh, eh)
Jay
Rain man is back with little miss sunshine
Rihanna where you at?

 (Rihanna) 
You had my heart
We'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines but you'll still be my star
Baby 'cause in the dark you can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share because

 (Chorus: Rihanna) 
When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more than ever know that we'll still have eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh-eh)

 (Chris Brown) 
You're becoming a dream to me
Fairytale fantasy
Nothing can ever compare
An image to my memory
Girl I'm asking could you be my queen?
A vision on a magazine
That's when I'll be there
It's something we both share
Because

 (Chorus: Chris Brown)
When the sun shine, we'll shine together
You know I'll be here forever
Although it's alot of rain outside
Girl it's getting late you can stay the night
But you can dip out anytime whenever
I can call a car I ain't tryna stress ya
I'm looking for the one with the glass slipper
Baby girl you can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh-eh)

 (Rihanna and Chris Brown) 
You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and say my name some more
I'll be all you need and more (ah.. you ready?)
Because 

(Chorus) 
When the sun shines, we'll shine together 
Told you I'll be here forever 
Said I'll always be a friend 
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out 'til the end 
But you can dip out anytime whenever 
I can call a car I ain't tryna stress ya 
I'm looking for the one with the glass slipper 
Baby girl you can be my Cinderella ella ella eh eh eh 
Under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh 
You can be my Cinderella ella ella eh eh eh 
Under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh  

It's raining (rainin') Ooh baby it's raining (rainin') 
Baby come into me (oh) 
Come into me 
It's raining (Rihanna) 
Oh baby it's raining (Rihanna) 
You can always some into me 
Come into me

iNgAt, JaNgAn LupA!!!

i just realise that i had this drafted some time ago. well, to be honest this is the first time im looking through my drafts :) ....dont quite remember where i got this from (dr.farah fadzil probably..hehe....) i thought it was a good reminder for me. i'd like to call this poem, one of kind ...so here it is......

Apasal laa, aku belum terfikir nak bentang sejadah,

Hidup senang rezeki datang melimpah,

Nak dirikan sembahyang, rakan baik setan suruh lengah-lengah,

Allah tarik nikmatku sampai nangis keluar air mata darah barulah padah.



Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Allah kasi aku jasad siap dengan bayang-bayang,

Bukan ke lebih baik daripada tiang,

Berdiri tanpa roh malam dan siang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Kerja dah best keluarga pun dah senang,
Negara aman damai tak lagi hidup berdagang,

Takkan 5 minit 5 waktu aku tak boleh nak luang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Allah kasi otak supaya aku tak bangang,

Allah kasi ilmu boleh fikir susah senang,

Allah kasi nikmat kenapalah aku tak kenang,

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Tengok TV, main bola aku sanggup sampai petang,

Beli tiket konsert, bayar time shopping aku sanggupberatur panjang,

Ingat masuk syurga masuk neraka boleh main hutang-hutang?!!

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Aku kena ingat umur kita bukannya panjang,

Pagi sihat entah petang nanti dah kejang,

Nanti dalam kubur kena balun sorang-sorang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Seksa neraka cubalah aku bayang,

Perjalanan akhirat memang terlalu panjang,

Janji Allah Taala akan tertunai tak siapa boleh halang!!!


3 exclamation marks there....pretty scary huh?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I miss him…
I really miss him…and it sucks like hell!



THERE, I’VE SAID IT!



Goodness gracious…that feels so good to let it all go!
I mean, I’ve been telling myself to keep it deep inside within me for so long, and now, I’m finally facing the truth. I miss him like crazy!



Not like I’m going out of my mind, or like all that I can think about is him and only him but he’s there, somewhere in my head. He’s always there. I keep on waking up in the morning wishing that there’s a miss call or a message from him. Every time there’s an unknown number calling me, I wish like hell for it to be him! I’m desperately missing him. It’s been a month plus now, and there’s no sign of him.



God knows where on earth he might be. I keep on praying that he’ll call me or something. I miss him so much! I don’t know what to do with myself! Now, how weird does that sound?



For the past weeks I’ve been telling myself that it’s not important, well at least not that important and I think I need to tell that to myself so that I don’t go crazy. But now, it’s been quite awhile and I’m not so sure. I want him back in my life. I want to make it work. I mean, I barely knew him but for some stupid, unexplainable reason I really like him so much that I’m willing to stay and wait for him.



I told my friend that maybe it’s for the best. I now have full control of my life. I don’t have to worry about anything and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission. But she asked me to think carefully. Is this really what I want? Am I really happy with the way things are?



It finally hit me that, maybe I like having other people telling me what to do, maybe I like that fact that there is someone else looking after me, asking me where I went, what I did, when I’m coming home, forbidding me not to sleep over, calling me every night and telling me that he cares about me and that he loves me even if that’s not entirely true.



I want to have all that. I want to be back during the days where I have all that going on in my life. I want to feel belonged to someone because it feels so good. It really does. I want to feel belonged to him and not anyone else. I want to believe that he is the one for me though in reality he is so far away.



I want it all back…
So much that it hurts!



People often say that some things that are just too good to be true may not come true at all! That was exactly what I felt back then. It feels so right, too perfect and that got me freaked out. All that was because deep within my heart I knew that something bad would happen and it finally did. Even now, I still can’t believe what’s happening to this relationship. It was so good, so smooth in fact and all of the sudden, it turned into a total disaster. The next thing I knew it slipped away from me though I tried so hard to make it work.



Was there anything else that I can do to stop it?



No…I don’t think so…



It sucks when you tried so hard to make something work and by the end of the day you realize that there is nothing that you can do. I want to be mad at him but I just cannot do it! It’s not like he has control of the situation himself. If it wasn’t because of me, he wouldn’t be here at the first place.



I keep on asking myself, why do you like him so much?
What is it about him that is different compared to the others?



And the answer is simply because he makes me feel safe and belonged. These feelings that I have never felt before with anyone else. It’s like I knew that he is not with me but the fact that I belong to him makes me feel safe. I feel that I can rely on him in times of need and he would protect me from the dragons that would haunt me wherever I go. It feels like he is my knight and I know that he will never let anything harm me. I never thought that I would feel like that ever but that’s how I feel when I’m with him.



I know that it makes me sound so mushy and so dependent which I try so hard not to be (I think I just made him into a heroic character in a fairy tale…) but it’s just the way I feel when I’m with him. So weird because I have never felt like that with any other guy before and it feels so good to feel that way.



Sometimes I’m afraid that I would not feel that way ever again. A wise person once told me that in love, there is no logic. People do crazy stuff when they are in love. Even the most logical person would do something so incredulous that it’s just too good to be true but that’s the power of love. Deep down you know that it’s not right but you just do it anyway.



Do I love him?



I think not…I would say that I like him but maybe not love. It takes a lot to love someone. Sometimes I think, if liking someone cost you this much, what more love? Will it take up everything that you’ve got? Stripping you naked? Living you all vulnerable and helpless? If so, then why fall in love?



You can’t help falling in love…It just happens…



I’m so afraid of it…not when it already hurts so much…
I’m so afraid that I’ll get lost and not knowing how to return home.
That scares the hell out of me…



I think the worse thing that could happen is when you are in a situation where you have no control what-so-ever. It’s even worst when you tried so hard to make work and it ended up not the way you expected.



Lately, I’ve been thinking about, what will I say when I meet him? Will he say anything about our relationship? Will he call it off? What am I suppose to do if he decided that it is all over? But I know that the most important question is, do I want it to end?



The answer is so simple…it’s a no.
I don’t want to call it off. I don’t want it to end. I want to start all over again and get to know this man I’ve never known… Even so, I know that deep within me, I’m so afraid that he will say that it’s all over. I keep asking myself, would he say that to me? I know I’ve got to be strong. In any relationship you must think of a possibility that you may not end up with your partner. But I don’t want it to end this way, not when I didn’t even get a chance to know him. I want to know him. Even if he isn’t meant for me, at least I want to get to know him because I just don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look upon my relationship with him and not knowing anything about him. It’s such a loss!



I wish that I can be someone important to him. Someone he remembers all the time. Someone whom he shares his sorrows and happiness with. Someone who understands him like no other. Someone he feels close to.



I want to be all that for him…because I know that I can make him to be all that to me.



I believe that God has His own way… I believe in fate. Whatever is meant to be will happen some day. It’s only a matter of time. If I am destined to be with him then with him I shall be. He will come back to me no matter how long it takes. But if he wasn’t destined to be with me, I have to learn to accept that. Even now I keep telling myself that. There will be someone else out there for me. Again, it’s just a matter of time…



But at the moment I want to believe that he is made for me, and that I’m meant to be with him. I shall wait no matter how long it takes. I shall wait until there comes a time when I can no longer wait. When the time comes I know that I can walk away without any regrets. I know that I’ve tried all I can to make it work.



For the time being I pray that Allah will answer my prayer.
Bring him back to me.
Show me the path I should take.
Lead me the way.
Hold me and don’t let me fall…
Please, please answer my prayer…