COMPLICATIONS

God knows how many times I’ve been typing, and deleting…. Not knowing where to start. My mid semester exam is finally over so here I am, lepak-ing on my bed not knowing what to do.

Eyes wide open (seeing that I woke up at 3.30pm today) I’m planning on spending my night watching Gokusan. Before I start watching, I was browsing through my computer, changing my desktop background (I have Maliq and the Essentials’ lead singer’s picture as my background! Hehe…he’s so hot!!), the theme and finally here I am updating my blog.

A good friend of mine once told me that he is a lone ranger and he likes being one. He eats by himself, he likes to be alone in his room, he goes shopping by himself and he keeps people in a distance so that he would have full control of his life and his territory. I asked him why would he do that? His answer was simple; he doesn’t want to be bothered with other people’s business that has nothing what-so-ever to do with him, and he wants to keep his life as simple as possible.

I asked him what about girls? Doesn’t he want a girlfriend? He told me that there was this girl that he liked. He liked her so much that he proposed to her 5 or 6 times I’m not sure.(the only thing I can say is; Atta, boy!) but of course, he got rejected. I asked him why does he think he got rejected? He’s not bad looking at all. To me, he’s the kind of guy that if you pass by him in a mall, you’ll turn twice just to have a good picture of him. I think that’s good enough right? He said he doesn’t know why. But in a way he is quite glad that she rejected him. I asked why and he replied that he thinks he will make a bad boyfriend for her.

He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t really like to hang out with people all the time. Some people would say that if you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you will see the need to hang out with your loved once more than ever. Somehow I don’t see that will ever happen to him. As I say earlier, he likes to be in control of his territory. He wouldn’t let anyone step into his territory unless the person is special to him like his mother. Which is why he chose to stay simple. He likes his simple life, a life without complication.

What does this tell you?

Does it give you a picture that love complicates your life?

Is it true?

Does love really complicates your life?

If so, then why people fall in love?
Deliberately complicating their life?

Why would they do that?

Why would I do that?

I don’t have the answer…

My life would be very simple too. I like simplicity. Something too complicated would put me in the edge right away. Then again, something too simple would bore me. It’s a human nature I guess. Too much is just too little and too little is just too much.

Why do you care about people? To me, when you care about someone naturally he becomes apart of your life, meaning their happiness is our every happiness and their sorrow is our sorrow too.

Basically it’s not our life. It’s their life. So, how can their every happiness be our happiness? Say he got promoted, now that’s a good news right? So he calls you to tell you the good news. Under a different circumstances where the caller is just another friend of yours, you will feel happy for him but that’s all there is to it. But because it came from someone you care about, someone who pays a visit to your mind every now and then, it makes all the difference. You’re not only happy for him but also proud of him. You feel like you want to celebrate it as if it is you who are getting promoted. You want to tell the world how proud you are of him and make him happy.

See how the table turns around?

All that because he matters to you.

If he is in pain and sorrow, you feel that apart of you are in pain too. You want to help him to ease the pain. You think of every possible way to take away the pain from him. If you can only share his pain, ease it from him, and make him feel much better. When you realize that there is nothing that you can do, your heart aches. You want to help but you don’t know how. There is nothing that you can do to help him. You feel completely useless.

You tell him that you are worried.
You tell him that you want to help but you don’t know how.

But he told you to stop worrying.
He told you not to think about it at all.
He told you to stay away.

But how can you stay away?
How can you leave him like that?
Not when he is in trouble.
You want to be apart of him.
Why did he shut you out?
Why can’t you be apart of it?

So many questions but no answers…

Maybe he wants to deal with it alone.
Maybe he wants to think things through.
Maybe he is the type that doesn’t like sympathy from other people.

So many uncertainties…

It is not your problem, but why do you worry your heart out? Why do you care so much that it’s bugging you day and night? Why do you let it have control of your life? Why is it so important to you? Why, why, why?

Because he matters to you.

You care…

You care so much…

It’s not necessarily love.

You don’t have to love someone to care about someone.

Quoting Mariah Carey, love takes time.

To care also takes time.
Normally, you care then in time, you will learn to love.
But as you can see, caring is enough to turn your world up side down.

So why do people let it happen to them?
Why do people let themselves care about other people?
How can you let your heart be vulnerable?
Why didn’t you guard it?

Can you guard your heart?
Oh, believe me I tried…

I keep telling myself not to care too much.
I keep telling myself not to let myself get too deep inside.
Keep your self on the surface girl and don’t dive in or else you’ll get drown.

But this is the game of love, the game of heart, the game of feelings and emotions.
I would say it’s one of life’s biggest mystery.

You don’t know what happen and the next thing you know you’re in too deep and it’s hard to turn back. You let him be apart of your life. You made a space for him in your heart. And for that, for every time he smiles, you smile and for every time he cries you cry. Regardless the fact that he told you to stay away, you just can’t do it! You feel it’s your job to worry. Whether he cares or not, that’s another matter altogether.

This is the price one has to pay for caring about other people. When you let someone into your heart, it’s hard to let them walk out of it. That is why people who like simplicity choose to guard their heart. They choose to keep their distance and they make sure that other people are aware of it.

Everybody wants to be loved. Everybody likes the idea of another person out there thinking of them. But to have all that you have to open your heart to other people. If you don’t wish to have people care or thinking about you then you can live your life without worrying about all this.

Love is not supposed to hurt. To care about other people doesn’t have to make your life difficult. It’s how you look at it that makes all the difference. Complications will arise when you let it arise. If you take it one step at a time and just try to live through it, I’m sure it will not be as bad as it seems. Bottom line is to try to live your life without paranoia and try your best not to think about it too much. Take it as it comes and not think too much of what the future beholds for there is no use thinking of what will happen tomorrow when today is full of uncertainties.

Easily said but not easily done isn’t it?

Yes, I know that…

I’m living through it and I keep telling myself everyday.
It’s a reminder for me.

I hope it is useful to you too…

I believe that in life a person has to be reminded all the time. We always forget our mistakes in the past and we keep on making the same mistakes again and again without fail. It’s one of our specialties as the ‘chosen one’ who was fated to rule the earth by Allah. That is why we have to keep reminding ourselves and people around us.

So that we remember who we are.
So that we remember why we are here.
So that we are aware of other matter that is important to us.
So that we can proudly tell ourselves that we are the ones of many people out there who has a why to live.

Intro to diversion

Everybody goes through rough patch in life. These are the times when you realize how strong you are in dealing with challenges in life. Do you choose to face it and deal with it or do you choose to run away from it, shrug it off and pretend that nothing happened. Or, do you choose to just leave it until you have no other escape route but to deal with it?

It’s all about how mature and strong you are in handling a crisis. Some people choose to run away from reality and create a fantasy world where everything is according to their wish, their will. It’s something like drinking or taking drugs. When it is just too much to bear, one chooses to run away from it. These thoughts are like a ghost that keeps haunting you wherever you go. Nobody likes to be bothered. No one likes to be disturbed. We want a normal, peaceful life where everything is just fine and dandy but then, as the saying goes, you just can’t have it all, can you?

So what do you do? Even a second of freedom from this dreadful thought is enough! What do you do? You create a diversion to run away from all these mess. What kind of diversion? It depends. Some takes drugs, some chooses to drink, others well, they take a safe route like living in a world of fantasy, something like day dreaming but not only during the day, it’s all the time.

You might think that it’s normal for people to day-dream but when you’ve reach a point where you forget if something really happens or it’s just one of your many fantasies, that’s when you’ve reach a point where you have to stop.

It’s like living in your own world where you’re the one who controls it. It’s a human nature. People like to have control over something. I’m not saying that all human beings are born with the desire to control and to rule but it’s a human nature to like the idea that they are in control over things or maybe a situation. It gives them strength and confidence. These are the main ingredience in dealing with challenges in life.

A friend used to tell me that, it’s when you’re weak inside that you are most vulnerable. A person who is very vulnerable can never find confidence to confide with his or her situation. When you’re not confident to deal with it, how can you face it? Can you deal with the pressure? Can you cope with the challenges? How do you handle it? How do you tackle the situation? The most important question is, where can you find the strength to deal with it? Where do you go to?

That is why people choose to run away for awhile, just to gather enough strength to return to reality. They create a diversion, a world where everything is according to what they desire, what they wish and how they want it to be. It’s what they call, their play land. They are in control of what is going on. They write their own fate and they decide who is the main player in this play of theirs. They are in control and that gives them strength, something that they can’t get in real life.
When they have gathered enough strength, they return and face the fear that they’ve been running from. With the strength they possessed they deal with it until they’ve finally did it and thus, free themselves from it.

And with that, they’re back to reality where everything is back to normal.

However, sometimes you feel that you like that world you’ve been living in. You’re back to reality but for some reason you don’t choose to leave it permanently. You don’t need it just yet but you do not want to keep it away from you. You go back every now and then. When you’re alone you are back into your ‘paradise’ and you feel that you are never alone. You are never lonely.

As time passes by, you try to bring your ‘paradise’ into reality. You try to fit in into your life to suit your needs. You try every possible way to make it apart of your life until you reach a point where you are confused. What really happen and what didn’t happen? That is when problems arise. Or, you come to a point where you decide to return ‘home’. Suddenly you realize that you don’t like what there is at home because you’ve been too long away from ‘home’. You’ve forgotten how it was like back at ‘home’…

Your heart aches! You can’t take it! You don’t want to take it!! You want to run away from home, but you realize that it’s not that comforting out there too! It’s getting very dull. The screen writer has run out of ideas. It’s time return home… even though you don’t want to come back but there is nowhere for you to go. It hurts! It really hurts!! There is nothing left out there. Home is where you should be and that means facing the truth.

It’s not easy I can say. You need to adjust yourself. How can you do it when you’ve spend all your life running away from it? But you have no choice you have to adjust. That means forgetting your ‘paradise’ and start a real life back at ‘home’.

It’s time to return. Time to get yourself out of this dream you created. It’s time to wake up and convince yourself that this is not real. Get out before it’s too late! Leave while you still can find your way back home! It’s time to stop dreaming and realize that the world is just as it should be. Deal with it! Be strong and don’t look back!

Always remember that there is no place like home.

Deal with reality. Don’t live your life hoping of uncertainty…
Don’t ruin your life by running away from the truth…
Bring yourself back to where it should be.
Do not lose yourself…

And be grateful that you’re not trap in that spiral of fantasy.
Be thankful that you’ve find your way back home…
Thank God every day of your life for it…
Alhamdulillah…