I miss him…
I really miss him…and it sucks like hell!
THERE, I’VE SAID IT!
Goodness gracious…that feels so good to let it all go!
I mean, I’ve been telling myself to keep it deep inside within me for so long, and now, I’m finally facing the truth. I miss him like crazy!
Not like I’m going out of my mind, or like all that I can think about is him and only him but he’s there, somewhere in my head. He’s always there. I keep on waking up in the morning wishing that there’s a miss call or a message from him. Every time there’s an unknown number calling me, I wish like hell for it to be him! I’m desperately missing him. It’s been a month plus now, and there’s no sign of him.
God knows where on earth he might be. I keep on praying that he’ll call me or something. I miss him so much! I don’t know what to do with myself! Now, how weird does that sound?
For the past weeks I’ve been telling myself that it’s not important, well at least not that important and I think I need to tell that to myself so that I don’t go crazy. But now, it’s been quite awhile and I’m not so sure. I want him back in my life. I want to make it work. I mean, I barely knew him but for some stupid, unexplainable reason I really like him so much that I’m willing to stay and wait for him.
I told my friend that maybe it’s for the best. I now have full control of my life. I don’t have to worry about anything and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission. But she asked me to think carefully. Is this really what I want? Am I really happy with the way things are?
It finally hit me that, maybe I like having other people telling me what to do, maybe I like that fact that there is someone else looking after me, asking me where I went, what I did, when I’m coming home, forbidding me not to sleep over, calling me every night and telling me that he cares about me and that he loves me even if that’s not entirely true.
I want to have all that. I want to be back during the days where I have all that going on in my life. I want to feel belonged to someone because it feels so good. It really does. I want to feel belonged to him and not anyone else. I want to believe that he is the one for me though in reality he is so far away.
I want it all back…
So much that it hurts!
People often say that some things that are just too good to be true may not come true at all! That was exactly what I felt back then. It feels so right, too perfect and that got me freaked out. All that was because deep within my heart I knew that something bad would happen and it finally did. Even now, I still can’t believe what’s happening to this relationship. It was so good, so smooth in fact and all of the sudden, it turned into a total disaster. The next thing I knew it slipped away from me though I tried so hard to make it work.
Was there anything else that I can do to stop it?
No…I don’t think so…
It sucks when you tried so hard to make something work and by the end of the day you realize that there is nothing that you can do. I want to be mad at him but I just cannot do it! It’s not like he has control of the situation himself. If it wasn’t because of me, he wouldn’t be here at the first place.
I keep on asking myself, why do you like him so much?
What is it about him that is different compared to the others?
And the answer is simply because he makes me feel safe and belonged. These feelings that I have never felt before with anyone else. It’s like I knew that he is not with me but the fact that I belong to him makes me feel safe. I feel that I can rely on him in times of need and he would protect me from the dragons that would haunt me wherever I go. It feels like he is my knight and I know that he will never let anything harm me. I never thought that I would feel like that ever but that’s how I feel when I’m with him.
I know that it makes me sound so mushy and so dependent which I try so hard not to be (I think I just made him into a heroic character in a fairy tale…) but it’s just the way I feel when I’m with him. So weird because I have never felt like that with any other guy before and it feels so good to feel that way.
Sometimes I’m afraid that I would not feel that way ever again. A wise person once told me that in love, there is no logic. People do crazy stuff when they are in love. Even the most logical person would do something so incredulous that it’s just too good to be true but that’s the power of love. Deep down you know that it’s not right but you just do it anyway.
Do I love him?
I think not…I would say that I like him but maybe not love. It takes a lot to love someone. Sometimes I think, if liking someone cost you this much, what more love? Will it take up everything that you’ve got? Stripping you naked? Living you all vulnerable and helpless? If so, then why fall in love?
You can’t help falling in love…It just happens…
I’m so afraid of it…not when it already hurts so much…
I’m so afraid that I’ll get lost and not knowing how to return home.
That scares the hell out of me…
I think the worse thing that could happen is when you are in a situation where you have no control what-so-ever. It’s even worst when you tried so hard to make work and it ended up not the way you expected.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about, what will I say when I meet him? Will he say anything about our relationship? Will he call it off? What am I suppose to do if he decided that it is all over? But I know that the most important question is, do I want it to end?
The answer is so simple…it’s a no.
I don’t want to call it off. I don’t want it to end. I want to start all over again and get to know this man I’ve never known… Even so, I know that deep within me, I’m so afraid that he will say that it’s all over. I keep asking myself, would he say that to me? I know I’ve got to be strong. In any relationship you must think of a possibility that you may not end up with your partner. But I don’t want it to end this way, not when I didn’t even get a chance to know him. I want to know him. Even if he isn’t meant for me, at least I want to get to know him because I just don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look upon my relationship with him and not knowing anything about him. It’s such a loss!
I wish that I can be someone important to him. Someone he remembers all the time. Someone whom he shares his sorrows and happiness with. Someone who understands him like no other. Someone he feels close to.
I want to be all that for him…because I know that I can make him to be all that to me.
I believe that God has His own way… I believe in fate. Whatever is meant to be will happen some day. It’s only a matter of time. If I am destined to be with him then with him I shall be. He will come back to me no matter how long it takes. But if he wasn’t destined to be with me, I have to learn to accept that. Even now I keep telling myself that. There will be someone else out there for me. Again, it’s just a matter of time…
But at the moment I want to believe that he is made for me, and that I’m meant to be with him. I shall wait no matter how long it takes. I shall wait until there comes a time when I can no longer wait. When the time comes I know that I can walk away without any regrets. I know that I’ve tried all I can to make it work.
For the time being I pray that Allah will answer my prayer.
Bring him back to me.
Show me the path I should take.
Lead me the way.
Hold me and don’t let me fall…
Please, please answer my prayer…
