me = ignorance (+ ignore??)

it's a small fact that ive learn to live with. i am very ignorant at times. they say that 'ignorance is a bliss'. i'd say thats so, so true...how can u worry about something that u do not know?

sometimes, even if i know, i just choose not to pay heed to it. to me, if its something that u can do nothing about, which means all u have to do is wait...then why mess ur head thinking about all the possibilities and get urself fretting up over nothing? want me to lay out the reasons?

1. firstly, its time consuming...why waste your time thinking of things that u have no control of? eg: getting all worked up coz the result is still not out yet. like we dont know how they work here?? i just dont get it!for god sake!! 4years living in medan n u still have not pick up a thing or 2? that stupid or just too foolish?
2. secondly, i find it very exhausting and tiring! i dont know about other people but i get very exhausted and tired when im fretting about something. u put ur poor brain in labor. hence, using the extra ATP in ur body when u could have used it for something much, much useful than worrying.
   
3. thirdly, it messes with my life. when i think or rather worrying my heart out over something, it messes with my routine. im unable to function normally coz i cant think of anything else but that! now, why would i let a problem takes control of my beautiful,wonderful life and in a long run creating other problems in my life coz im not handling my life well? like i havent got enough to deal with!
   

this is why i just let it be. and this only applies to matters that

I DONT HAVE ANY CONTROL OF

so, call me ignorant or whatever u want to....for me, i'd rather live my life than worrying and fretting over useless stuff. all u have to do is wait, then wait la. when its out then we deal with it. maybe they should learn not to let their hopes high. coz when it crashes down upon u, thats when u get angry and pissed over nothing. saying 'marahnya aku....' or 'stressnya aku' doesnt change a thing. if its a way to let it out then by all means, please do so. but to say it almost everyday? come on la......its not like those words can get the people in admin to work their asses off.



get real shall we?



in the end it just makes me wonder, which one is worse? being ignorant or being stupid?

bEinG a LiBrAN

i have finally reached the stage where im questioning myself about being a LIBRAN!

here's a recap of what has happened in front of the poor cashier yesterday...

i was at a whole sale in medan fair mall with husna n we were checking out the stuff they had there n it was a very good deal indeed...so i picked up this black top coz the night before i was thinking of getting myself something black to go with my new overall.plus its so cheap, rp45k (thats like rm18 for a Billabong) but of coz, knowing me...im not likely to just settle down with only 1 option, i continued browsing through in case i find something else that'd caught me eye. then i came across this brown top, looks very sporty for a top n i thought hey, this is niceeee.....

then i went jalan some more and found this cool black baby-t, it really caught my eye! so now i have 3 garments to choose from. and there i was, walking back n forth tailing husna while shes choosing her stuff n me doing MAJOR thinking as to which top i should get....

after shes done with her choice of garments, i.....am still where i started, clueless!

i could buy all 3 but im on a tight budget right now, so i dont really want to spend so much on clothes....plus im sure i'll definitely buy more when im in KL. my budget was around rp130k or below so obviously i have to choose 2 out of 3. okayla, to cut long story short, i chose the black top n the black baby-t...(both blacks pulak tu, how so jaja-kino!)

later, as i was walking towards the cashier, my mind started wandering elsewhere n having doubts pulak! despite the tensed i was feeling deep inside me, i still handed it to him anyway. then, as he was about to tear the price tag i stopped him, took the top away from him, turned and asked husna again for 'should i get this?'

what the heck???? where did that impulse come from????

then husna patiently told me, "i think it looks nice on u, perhaps u should get it,"

only then did i gave the top back to the cashier who was giving me a look....
and thats what happen when im being indecisive...

after that whole incident i apologised to husna coz, i knew i kept going on and on about the top at the store awhile ago, and she said, "it's okay....i understand. im a Libran myself. we tend to get very indecisive. i always have regrets after buying stuff too,"

and there i was...thinking, questioning myself why do i tend to be very, very indecisive. i prefer other people making the decisions for me. and for unexplainable reason i need conformation from my close peers on everything! its very, very annoying!

thats why i hate it when people tell me "up to you la!" or "whatver u think is okay is fine with me..." or "ikut kau la!" or "suka hati kau la!" or anything yang sewaktu dengannya... i cant make decision for myself n some other monkey asking me to make decision for them? hell no!



so i did some reading i came across this, about the Librans



You’re born under the sign of Libra, which represents the element of air, or the intellect. You’re most definitely a thinker — you like to use your mind to tackle problems. Libra is the seventh sign of the zodiac, which refers to relationships of all sorts and your connection to the world around you.


People know you as someone who loves to socialise. Your outgoing nature and love of communicating brilliant ideas to people around you is one of your strengths. You’re rarely at a loss for words (*wink, wink for me)… even on your worst day you have the gift of the gab!


You not only have the ability to share your ideas in a very natural way; you also have charm in the way you convey your feelings. This is another of your very positive traits. Even people who don’t agree with what you have to say can’t resist you and will usually behave well around you — you’re simply a nice person. ( oh, how true that is!!)


Your love of communication makes you an excellent mediator and negotiator. Coupled with the fact that you’re always reasonable in the way you deal with people, this means your friends and co-workers can always depend on your having a balanced viewpoint, even in the fiercest of arguments.


In fact, if there’s a problem with you, it comes out of the fact that you’re so good at seeing all the sides of a problem and staying impartial. This makes it hard for you to commit to one side of an argument — you don’t want to be seen as biased, and you want everyone to like you!


What ends up happening is that the way you get everyone’s approval is by agreeing with everyone. This is not a good idea, because you’re agreeing to things for the wrong reasons: to keep everyone on side, rather than because you’re firmly committed to something. Try not to do this, because it can mess up your dealings with people. You don’t need to bend over so far just to be accepted.


Making decisions is an area in which you excel, but again, don’t jump to conclusions simply to please others. You have the ability to look at all sides of an issue, so use it. Sometimes you get stressed if you feel you’re being obstructed somehow. The answer is to get all the relevant facts; running off and asking others to support you will just confuse things.


And anyway, if you look inside yourself you’ll realise that you can rely on your own experiences. You don’t need to use others as a crutch for your decisions.


When you get to know people, you are perfectly comfortable sharing your feelings with them, and you’ll go to some trouble to make them feel at ease. You create harmony in your environment to match the harmony in your character.


This relates to the fact that your ruling planet is Venus. This is a soft and gracious planet, and feminine by nature. Your softer side is expressed in pretty much everything you do — the way you entertain guests, the type of home furnishings you like to buy, the clothes you wear and even your personal grooming.


All these things express the natural flair and grace which is part of that Venus temperament. There’s no way others won’t notice your style. People see you as elegant and tasteful (huhu!)— and that’s people who know you well as well as people who’ve just met you.


You often make a great first impression because you are such a good communicator and connect so easily with people; this makes you an ace networker. Some people believe you must have an ulterior motive because you are dealing with so many people at once, but it’s really just that you absolutely love socialising and partying. You are a real ‘people person’.


Because Venus is the planet of love, you seek love this in everything you do, and particularly in relationships. Finding your soulmate is a big dream, perhaps even your most significant life mission — you will go to great lengths to meet lots and lots of people. Who knows where you’ll find the right one? You have a lot to give to the person you feel is your perfect match.


Very few Librans find the peace and satisfaction they’re looking for until they’ve connected with that special person. Once this happens, they can really get into their work, family and other domestic affairs with energy.


There are three grades of Libra. Which of these do you fall under? You can figure it out by the date of your Libran birth.


If you're born between the 24th of September and the 3rd of October you are a true die hard Libran and have the qualities of Venus fully dominating your life. You are artistic, caring and full of love and social warmth. Venus provides you with loads of friends, perhaps too many at times.


Librans born between the 4th and 13th of October are a little wacky by nature but harmless. If that's you, life is a bundle of fun and you can expect the unexpected from time to time. You like the surprises that life throws at you.


The final portion of Libra occurs between the 14th and 23rd of October. Were you born during this time frame? If so, you are the type of Libran who is constantly on the hunt for knowledge and information. You are an eternal student who will never tire of learning news things. As well, you will never grow old as Mercury's co rulership of your life ensures a sprightly and youthful attitude.


Libra is a movable air sign, which means there’s creativity in you. You are quick to grasp ideas, and you have a need to produce works of art and unusual or original things. You bring a touch of art to anything you do. Remember to incorporate this part of you into all your life’s activities; you’ll be richly rewarded.


if u ask me...i'd say that describes me if not totally, i think more than half of it is true for me...ah well, the traumatising facts of being a Libran ;)

ANOTHER VIDEO

i know its a bit late but i just came across the video on you tube.....funny i must say.





i read some reviews about it in some blogs....well, i believe it is a humiliation to the country. obviously our minister did not handle it well. being the communication minister with an impressive background, he should be able to answer the questions well instead of throwing in accusations. i think at the end of the interview, the newscasters just gave up on him...


but i do not think that it is right for the Malaysians who are not living in the country to condemn by saying "thank god, im not living in the country,"...... or "this is why i dont want to have anything to do with Malaysia," what rights do these people have to say things like that? being a Malaysian and not contributing that's a personal choice. u cannot ask people to commit to something that they are reluctant to. but to say such vile things when u've done nothing to help what-so-ever, i think these people should be very ashamed of themselves. to rephrase it in malay, i'd say these people tak sedar diri!


every country has internal problems. the people who are living through it, going through it are the ones who have the right to speak. if u do not know a thing, i suggest u shut the hell up! dont appear out of nowhere when things turns chaotic and starts condemning instead of helping. just who the hell do u think u are?!!


sorry a bit emo.....im just too annoyed at these bunch of conceited monkeys who are just too damn cocky and think they are just too good compared to other people when in reality, they are the biggest fools who cant even use their pea-size brain to think clearly! i suggest these people to go back to wherever hole they come from and just disappear for good! just so that u know, ur opinions........................................are damn well not needed!!

PeRSoNaL DNA

as i was surfing the net a few days back i came across this test...pretty cool i think...so this is my result,

Benevolent Creator

and u can even get other people to psych u....meaning, u can get ur friends or family members to do the test and see how they evaluate u...cool...

so to psych me, here's the url: http://personaldna.com/psychyou-psychme.php?for=8c4abfb9af7a

GHASTLY!

goodness gracious! i spent the whole morning trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with my posting page....i was so frustrated i actually planned to cancel my blog here and start a new one in Xanga (until i realised that i have to pay pulak over there....) *sigh......no make it, *triple sighs!!!

all of the sudden my function buttons are all missing....how am i suppose to compose without the icons?? and the edit HTML function pun went missing too! went through all the hassle of emailing other bloggers for help...reading through the oh-so-long Blogger help (which doesnt even help at all!!) then i decided to reboot my pc coz the crazy internet explorer wont close and now, finally all the icons are back..................frustrating!!!

and not to mention my room is turning into a disastrous wreck coz instead of doing some cleaning, i spent my entire morning trying to correct my blog!...and thank goodness its raining right now, at least its not that hot.....heat definitely contributed a lot to make me loose my insanity!!

what a way to start my day......and its Christmas today so wishing all my friends

and....

and before i wrap this up...here's a little something for the day =)

my personal fav......enjoy!

wHaDDuP!

its been awhile (yes, im aware of that!) but bare in mind that i have my final exam to focus on! now that it's all well (literally speaking of course!) and done i finally get the chance to spend quality time here....so, lemme start with the stuff i found in you tube that is quite interesting....

ok, lemme start with Hindraf.....need i elaborate? i think not....
we all heard so many stories, so many versions in fact and lets face it, this is a never ending story. does it prove anything? only that people are now more brave and broad in expressing their thoughts. frankly speaking, im not a fan of rally, demonstration or anything of sort. however sometimes we need that in order to make certain people understand our needs and our determination....need to wake them up! so i guess 2 rallies in a less than a month is quite enough to make them realise how the citizen or rather the nation has evolved. the people represent the nation not a few people whom we call the cabinets or the party that was chosen to rule the country. back to back, it all comes down to the people....

okay...moving on to something more mind soothing (politics are just to stressful to talk about =( ) here is a song thats really nice...i remember its from a japanese show but i dont remember the title. one thing for sure is that i knew ive cried to this song before....walking down the memory lane shall we?

this one i know, its taken from a japanese show "with love". the first japanese show ive ever watched. and will always remember....




then finally, gowri sent me this interesting video from jeff dunham...its so funny i was laughing my head off....so here goes...

so thats all that ive got for the past 2 weeks...yes i know its very pathetic but at least there something right? oh ya another one was Live & Loud KL '07. i was really sad at first coz i didnt get to go considering that im stuck here in medan. i wanted so much to watch whitney houston live! however, after reading the reviews on her performance, i think i didnt miss anything at all. i was actually glad that i didnt watch her live so that she remains the all time diva forever and ever in my heart....=) okay, enough with the drama, thats about it. will update soon....bubye!

AnDaI Ia TaHu

first time i heard this song, i was so touched....its definitely one of my all time favourites (not like its been a century or something)...
i even tried looking for it from my friends but no one seems to know the song. so when i saw it on imeem i was very ( n i mean very) excited bout it! thanks to Hayati Glam, for uploading it on imeem...u've made my day :)

Artist : Vince feat. V.E.

Song Title : Andai Ia Tahu

Andai Kau Tahu Sengasaranya Aku

Berlagu Sedih Menanti cintaku



Andai Ia Tahu Betapanya Aku

Menunggu Mati Hadirlah Kasiku



Kerna Dia

Cinta Dia

Sungguh Aku Juga Cintai Dia

Namun Tak Terbalas Kasihku



Patah Seribu Hatiku

Tuhan Genggamlah Jiwaku

Tiada Dayaku Menahan Sebak Menusuk Kalbu

Andai Ia Tahu Laraku



Merintih Benakku

Menangisku

Tak Terpejam Mata Di Dalam Lenaku



Ingin Ku Meraja Mimpi Mimpinya

Jiwamu Hatimu Tiada Diriku



Kerna Dia

Cinta Dia

Sungguh Aku Juga Cintai Dia

Namun Tak Terbalas Kasihku



Kerna Dia

Cinta Dia

Sungguhku juga Cinta Dia

Namun Tak Terbalas Kasihku

Hanya Untukmu

TRAUMATISING!

just a short entry...this morning got some pix from wafa....not much to say, just scroll down urself...

yup, thats blood splattering all over the seats....

if ure wondering what is that on the dashboard...its a piece of skull....

i wonder where is the content of it....



got a clue??



ah...apparently the content (that is the brain) is at the backseat n at the gearbox...



the car

if im not mistaken these pix are actually entitled "wear ur seatbelts"
frankly, i dont like to wear my seatbelts but looking at these pix well, lets just say that it got me thinking.....

but one thing that i cant figure out is that, how did the driver got thrown out of the car when the broken glass was at the passengers seat? any clue??

PLEASE STAND UP, PLEASE STAND UP!

have u ever been in a position where u know its entirely wrong but because the people around u think that its alright or its cool so u decided to just to keep quiet.
especially when u can see the damage being done right in front of your face, and u want to reach out to help but it doesnt seem like the right thing to do (or rather for the fear of being mocked at or condemned for that?)


its like watching those high school movies where the popular groups always be the one to rule the school and whoever that in their mind doesnt fit in is considered weird and therefore alienated....its a cruel, cruel world out there.


im speaking of the truth...it doesnt happen only in movies but in everyday life whether we realise it or not. being in a click may seems cool but sometimes it takes so much from u. during your daily encounter with other people, u experience different type of people, many kind, many breeds...sometimes u wonder, where on earth these people come from or u go like, is it possible for someone to be like this?so cruel??


but it happens....and theres nothing u can do about it....even superman cant do anything about it! he can lift up a meteor or save an old lady from being hit by a bus among other things but i dont recall him ever went up to some school kids and say kids, do not mock him!...hehe.....if so, then superman might not have enough time to save the world coz people are being mocked like, all the time??


i have a friend who has never been in a click before. she has many friends but she was never in the same group for two consecutive years. five years of secondary school, five different group of friends,(belum masuk primary school lagi...) and even those people are not considered as her mutual friends. i must say, even when i was at school back then, people often asked me about her. but since we weren't close back then (hell, we never had a real conversation since primary school!) i just shrug it off...i guess its true when they say, fate has its own turn...i never knew that one day she became one of my close friend. but thats another story.


well, the reason why she doesnt want to be in a click is because of this. everybody has their own belief and principle. there will come a time when u have to deal with a situaion where u have to choose between ur principle or trying to compromise with the situation. it might not be something that u would do but at the time it seems like the best thing to do and this friend of mine refuse to deal with that so, she chose to not be in a click where she can be herself without trying to fit in with other people.

sometimes u feel like you've know this person all ur life. like as if he/she was there from the day u were born. so close that u think u know whats his next action, how he will react, u can even finish his sentences. but bear in mind that we each wear different masks. if he acts that way with u, he might act differently with other people. why is that so? i would say that, we have to learn to adjust to situation and the people we encounter. if we are with adults then its only right for us to behave as an adult, show the mature side of us but if we are among our friends then we can be as immature as we like...as long as we dont annoy them =)
same goes with being in a click. sometimes u dont think what they do to certain people is right but u just keep quiet for fear that u'll be the next target. and lets face, most of us love the idea of being liked and accepted by the society. i dont say ALL but MOSTLY....


and that brings me to the next question....does that define who you are? i mean, the act of ur click members and the fact that u dont do anything to stop them. does that define who you are? what exactly defines a person as a whole?


to me, WORDS certainly doesnt define a person. everyone can talk. everyone can say something. even if he starts reciting the Holy book, does that makes him better than u? of coz not! you can even teach a crazy guy to recite the sentence but does he know what he's talking about? and if u are to believe that words itself can define a person then, you are by far the biggest fool ever!


what about action?does ACTION defines a person? if so, the action done by ur click and the fact that u do nothing to stop them defines who you are. but that not entirely true....under different circumstances where u can be urself and dont depend on others, u might not have taken the same action they took.u might have handled it differently.


so what defines a person as a whole? to me personally its INTENTION...what u wish for...thats what matters. because these intentions come from within u and they dont fool you.u can lie to the whole world but not urself. u may run from the truth but how long can a person runs from himself?sooner or later he will realise it and have to deal with it. unless of coz they fail to realise and soon become mentally deranged because of that...


back to back, its ur inner self. what u want? how u feel? so on and so forth....


how u deal with situation is up to you. some people may handle it well. some people may not. there are things in our lives that we are not proud of. but its done....so there's no use fretting about it.


i hope i'll be more stronger in dealing with this kind of situation. to try to stand up for my beliefs and try not to be someone that i detest most, a hypocrite...

kAsIH

as i was looking for 'hilang' yesterday, i came across of this track by dayang...it was so nice that i listened to it over n over all night....n its a live performance to top it all...and the fact that its dayang, shes like one of the best in the country...its really cool! enjoy =)

con't to H.I.L.A.N.G

i posted the lyrics a few days back, so here is the song....

shocker!

last night was rather shocking for me, and the news came at about 11pm...

after the class ended at 1pm or rather 2pm my time :) i headed back home with my fav mie ayam and spend my evening in my room with my lappie watching scrubs (love it!!) seeing that i still have an assignment to do, i immediately got up to the task knowing if i dont start as soon as possible, i'll end up procrastinating it then at the end of the day, make myself kelam-kabut....ah, thats so me! to quote aniza, our middle name is 'procrastination' which is why we get along so famously!

so while i was on my task, (oh, lemme add that i actually typed the whole assignment by myself!! big achievement for me *wink,wink!!) i got called by Gil to go out for dinner....for the first time of my life i had ketoprak and as i expected, its not really my kind of food....its mee hoon with nasi impit, tahu, tauge and kuah kacang...see, im not really a fan of kuah kacang unless its satay so, i didnt even finish my ketoprak not because its not nice but im just not a fan i guess...

after that, we headed to Mel's place to hang out and played table tennis (yes, i know...so athletic we are!) while we were getting all sport i got a call from my mama...telling me that my aunt were missing!! it came as a shocker i tell u....and my mama sounded so scared and that made me even more worried. the line was pretty bad when she called so i told her i'll call her when i get back..

hung out for awhile longer and headed back home where i immediately called my mama to get more info. according to her, my aunt was suppose to be back at 4pm from istana budaya (where she's working) and waited for her husband to pick her up from the LRT station then go back together. but according to her husband, which happens to be my uncle, he waited for 2hours but there was no sign of her...

and my cousin who is right now at gopeng matriculation called her mother but there was no answer. then she called her brother who then tried calling my aunt as well but could not get through the line. then he called my uncle and asked him bout his mum. but my uncle said that he doesnt know where she is and currently waiting for her at home. my mother got overly worried coz my cousin called her and started crying...so my mama called my uncle and suggested him to report to the police if shes not back by tomorrow. but seeing as my uncle was too calm about his wife being missing that got us wondering....

this morning, i got an sms from my mama that apparently my aunt was in my cousin's room all night. she was asleep and didnt hear the phone ringing, coz it was on silent mode. ohh.....that was a relieve!!! all night i was scared and praying for her safety coz u know with all the things that has been happening lately (the nurin and prasheena's case) who know what will happen? the world or rather people just dont stop surprising u day after day...

so, apparently the husband was waiting for the wife who were in the room all the while? and the fact that he was so calm about it........well, lets just say that there were many things unsaid here.but the most important thing is that she's safe....

foul, foul, foul........

gosh, tonight im in such a foul mood! well, i started off the day pretty bad actually. stayed up the whole night reading physical diagnostic seeing that we were told to get ourselves ready for a quiz today...i have prepared my own notes but only for the first few chapters coz, ive yet to study for other subjects right? but since we were told bout the quiz last week i spent the whole night reading my notes (and that itself took me hours to finish) and the notes from the book ( and that took thrice the time compared to my own notes!) and finally at 6.30am, im starting to feel headache (the caffein has finally kicked in!) so i decided to crash on my bed for a few hours...despite the 4 chapters that i've yet to read....

well, my principle is simple. if i know that its hard for me to finish it all then i might as well have my sleep so i can refresh myself for next day to crap something that is hopefully close to the real answer or by god, at least it can make sense.....

so i set my alarm clock at 8am thinking that maybe i can still cover all of it in time....but of course, knowing me, i woke up at 10am and my exam was at 11.30am! predictable say u? yeah, i think so too...i woke up (or rather forced myself to get up from my comfy bed) and get ready for the hospital....

walked under the hot sun at 11am! sigh......

then, when we reached the hospital, the doctor took us to see the patients, and that got us thinking "did he actually forgot that we're suppose to have a quiz today?"

and apparently, he did! he forgot about the quiz! i was in awe, at that time i couldnt think of anything to say....i was thinking of my restless night trying to read, forcing infos to enter my brain and all that for nothing! and im so sure that i have to re-read it again coz i dont think i remember half of the things i read last night! man....if i knew that this would happen, i'd rather finish up my biochem notes!

so i got back to my room all stressed up from the hospital and crashed on my bed to make up for all the hours ive neglected my bed. finally i woke up at 6 something and went straight to my lap top only to find out that something is wrong with my mozilla firefox....gosh!

one thing that i know i dont have a knack for is techonology, computers or anything of sort...im just not born for it! of coz i got very depressed after that, uninstall it and reinstall the mozilla all over again.then i realised that the internet explorer and mozilla is taking forever to work...so slow! *triple sigh!!!

i pretty much spent the whole night trying to figure this out...u people might find it totally simple and tedious but for people like me who are just not born for it, this is one stressing thing to do...

and finally its working well....gosh i hope everything is fine after this. hate it when something is wrong with the computer...its too depressing!

well, i have something else to update but thats for later...right now need to gear up for biochem (dont want to look so stupid in front of yahwardiah tomorrow) and trying to finish up with anatomical patho...

tomorrow then....chioz!

i.t'.s b.e.e.n a.w.h.i.l.e.....since then

it has been awhile since the last time....

n i have been anticipating since then....
when will you go again?
in the morning? afternoon? evening? night? or midnight?
cant u just stay and never go away? not ever again?

and finally its happening.....
just when u let ur guards down, its strikes back!
and leaving u completely devastated.....

oh dear, electricity!
come back to mama!!!
its getting damn hot in here....
*sob, sob......

H.I.L.A.N.G

Bagai semalam ku bersua
Wajah yang memiliki cinta
Masih teguh kupelihara setia
Sanggup kau tinggalkan semua
Membawa segala

Di mana ku letakkan jiwa ini
Seakan berterbangan untuk mencari tempatnya
Hatiku kan selama
Memuja dan menyinta
Kau kekasihku
Hilang
Pergi merantau
Mengapa

Tak rela diriku terjaga
Belum sedarku buka mata
Siang malam berlalu sama
Saja
Sukar untukku lepasi
Hari yang mendatang

Tak daya menahan air mata
Dan meratapi hiba menyesal dan meronta oh
Hatiku kan selama memuja dan menyinta
Kau kekasihku
Hilang

Jauh melangkah
Tinggalkan semua
Berakhirlah sudah tiada gunanya menyalahi
Sesiapa
Bangunkan daku segera
Dari lena

Jauh melangkah
Menghilang
Tiada ku kesalkan
Biarlah
Kurela

by: Dayang Nurfaizah

FINALLY, I GOT IT!

Last night i was told by my friend about the "Bersih Rally" that took place at Dataran Merdeka on November 10th, and thats like yeserday. At first i was distraught with the idea that we're having a demonstration in the comfort of my own country, my home...being in Indonesia and seeing demonstrations taking place everywhere, at all times makes me a bit phobic and nauseous when it comes to talking about demonstrations. so there i was at about 4a.m in the morning, sitting near my fridge (which is near to the door where the connection was at its best) trying to figure out what has caused this rally to happen at the first place....i mean surely there has got to be a reason as to why this is happening...there must be something that triggers fellow Malaysians to gather up and voice their opinions so that the government would hear them...and i pray to God that whatever the reason maybe i hope its a very sound reason (unlike the reasons these Indonesians have to cause such riots...its completely ridiculous!)



recalling the 3 weeks of my holiday for the eid recently ( and thats like 2 weeks ago...) i dont recall anything of significance that can cause this to happen...all i remembered, that the country was enthusiatic about our angkasawan in space and maybe the only significant event was the "fight" between Samy Vellu and M Kayveas...but lets face it, im not being racial about this, but that only involves the Indian community in the country... i am not saying that, that sole reason itself cant cause the riot to happen but i keep thinking that there has got to be something else.


so i got up just now at 3.30pm seeing that i slept at 8a.m this morning and immediately checked out the "Bersih Rally". i wanted to know what has caused this to happen...and finally
after reading "Malaysia Today" i finally understood.


During my holiday there were news involving the BPR, Anwar and tapes...i watched it like everyday, but it was rather a very short news each day and well, we know who it favors right? my mama n i were trying hard to figure it out, we know it involves the judiciary but we dont know that for sure...when i got back to medan, i often check out blogs by Zainul Arifin of The NST and even he commented on the crisis in our judiciary system but it was very brief so i dont really understand what is going on.


but now, i finally got it...i guess the man still got his touch huh? i often hope that he will just give it a break now that he's been released but the man is always on the go...well, i suppose when u have a strong beliefs on something and the need to confide the truth and fight for justice is just too strong, the phrase "let it go" seems like a blasphemy. but we cant blame him can we? he's been through a difficult time of his life and i guess thats all the motivation he needs to drive him all the way...


of course there are many other factors that contributes to the rally. seeing that the election is just around the corner (i only realised it coz the BPR is doing extra hours of work nowadays) that pretty much adds up to this.


and all they want is a fair election and a transparent system that works for everybody, everyone regardless the status and wealth. well, i have yet to vote....the next election will be the first time im voting actually and frankly speaking im pretty excited about it =)


but lets get real....i believe that a fair election can be conducted if everyone is determined to make it work. it is not impossible as it has been done numerous times before. hence we being "Malaysia Boleh" can definitely pull it off too....


but what about a fair system? democracy, not just the word itself but actually practicing it! i mean, people can talk...everyone can talk but can they really practice the values that they preached? can they walk the walk and talk the talk? its easier said than done right? and here we are, often talking about what a transparent our system really is, and how thankful we should be as a Malaysians for having a system as such etc,etc.....


i am proud to be a malaysian. compared to where i am right now, there is no other place i want to be rather than malaysia. many reasons why I and of course the fellow nations are proud to be malaysians. but for me personally, it is definitely not because of the "transparent" system that protects the citizen...im not going to say that the system is just lousy, we could have been worst right? but to me its more like translucent. if u refer the dictionary it says that translucent means not transparent, but clear enough to allow light to pass through and to me, that describes the system fine and dandy...


so why hide behind the truth? everybody is aware of this fact, and even the people in the system and the ones who helped created the system knows it. and now, the people who has obliged to follow the system for all these years has finally spoken out. they try to ask for a permit (trying to do this the right way..) but their request were being ignored. like a child who is being ignored by their parents, they grow up to be a rebel. and why is that so? to seek attention from their parents of course! and so the rally took place anyway despite all the strings being pulled to stop it...


if u read Special Reports 2007: Special Page for 10 November on Malaysia Today, u can see how determined these people are despite the hardship trying to get into the city....road blocks as far from Melaka all the way to Dataran Merdeka (for godsake la people!) its amazing really...too bad i wasnt in the country yesterday, or else i could have caught it live....


but like i said before....with great beliefs comes great determination.....
its all that it takes.......


it all started so peaceful and we know how it turns out in the end right? its just so funny in a way...are they that afraid to actually went to that length to stop them? its like beating your own children. is this a good example of parenting? is this how we should teach our children? when we are being told to practice good parenting all the time and suddenly this happens?


its amazing, beyond amazing actually....and to watch the news by al-jazeera on you tube its just sad....i kept asking myself, is this happening in my country? coz this sure looks like the news i always watch here....but seeing the masjid jamek LRT station made me realise, hell, it is my country...


that got me freaked out a bit...i was thankful coz it didnt ended with bloodshed or anything but the idea that this may happen again....its scary. im not in beauty contest to promote world peace, but before we are too busy about the world lets narrow it down to our country first.


we are indeed a proud nation and by all means we should keep it in our grasp and never let it go. i believe that no one is perfect and we all have our mistakes in past. can we erase them? no...whats done is done and should be left at that. what we can do is move on....maybe if we just learn to come clean and admit our mistakes, not trying to accuse the other party to cover up our wrong doings then maybe we can work it out. but we must remember that one shouldnt be blamed for another persons' mistakes....that is just not fair to me....and we want fairness right? maybe we can start by being fair to ourselves and from there we can work out on how to be fair to others....now, hows that for a change?


its called simple psychology....

R.E.I.N.C.A.R.N.A.T.I.O.N.

Heylooooo there…

Well, I know it’s been awhile since I blog and I’ve been ignoring this blog completely since, god knows when (although it says that last article published was in August 8th) but I guess its about time that I start blogging again…

Just browsing through all the stuff that I had written here makes me realize the reason why I started this blog. It’s a way to let go all the things that I have stored with in me. Lets face it, sometimes even when ure with around the closest people in your life, u still have difficulties telling them what going in inside ou, for fear that they might not want to hear, or they might be sick and tired listening to you whining about your life all day long (and believe me when I say, I am one hell of a whiner…it’s my specialty) which of course I’m trying very hard working on it right now…. Even when they say that, if they are your true friends, they wont mind listening to your crap, but come on, get real shall we? How many loads of crap can a person take? Friends of foe, it’s still the same…of course for foe it would be much, much lesser…

So that was the reason why I started the blog. I was going through a very rough patch in my life at that time and I had to look for a place to let it all go…and I find that it works. So now, since I’m back on track and I’ve learn to deal with it I decided to give this a fresh start… we can call it the “reincarnation” of me in my blog…hehe….

So, I made a pledge to myself to regularly blog here if not everyday then every other day… so there you go…all said and done… I guess we’ll be seeing each other a lot from now on…chioz! =)

U.M.B.R.E.L.L.A

(Jay-Z)

(Uh huh, uh huh) Remix
(Uh huh, uh huh) Yea Rihanna, Chris Brown
(Uh huh, uh huh) Good girl gone bad
(Uh huh, uh huh) Take three... Action!
(Uh huh, uh huh) Hov!

 No clouds in my stones
Let it rain, I hydroplane into fame (Eh, eh, eh)
Coming down with the Dow Jones
When the clouds come we gone
We roc-a-fella (Eh, eh, eh)
We fly higher than weather and G5's are better
You know me, an anticipation for precipitation
Stacks chips for the rainy day (Eh, eh, eh)
Jay
Rain man is back with little miss sunshine
Rihanna where you at?

 (Rihanna) 
You had my heart
We'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines but you'll still be my star
Baby 'cause in the dark you can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share because

 (Chorus: Rihanna) 
When the sun shine we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'mma stick it out 'til the end
Now that it's raining more than ever know that we'll still have eachother
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh-eh)

 (Chris Brown) 
You're becoming a dream to me
Fairytale fantasy
Nothing can ever compare
An image to my memory
Girl I'm asking could you be my queen?
A vision on a magazine
That's when I'll be there
It's something we both share
Because

 (Chorus: Chris Brown)
When the sun shine, we'll shine together
You know I'll be here forever
Although it's alot of rain outside
Girl it's getting late you can stay the night
But you can dip out anytime whenever
I can call a car I ain't tryna stress ya
I'm looking for the one with the glass slipper
Baby girl you can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh)
You can be my Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh-eh)

 (Rihanna and Chris Brown) 
You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and say my name some more
I'll be all you need and more (ah.. you ready?)
Because 

(Chorus) 
When the sun shines, we'll shine together 
Told you I'll be here forever 
Said I'll always be a friend 
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out 'til the end 
But you can dip out anytime whenever 
I can call a car I ain't tryna stress ya 
I'm looking for the one with the glass slipper 
Baby girl you can be my Cinderella ella ella eh eh eh 
Under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh 
You can be my Cinderella ella ella eh eh eh 
Under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh  

It's raining (rainin') Ooh baby it's raining (rainin') 
Baby come into me (oh) 
Come into me 
It's raining (Rihanna) 
Oh baby it's raining (Rihanna) 
You can always some into me 
Come into me

iNgAt, JaNgAn LupA!!!

i just realise that i had this drafted some time ago. well, to be honest this is the first time im looking through my drafts :) ....dont quite remember where i got this from (dr.farah fadzil probably..hehe....) i thought it was a good reminder for me. i'd like to call this poem, one of kind ...so here it is......

Apasal laa, aku belum terfikir nak bentang sejadah,

Hidup senang rezeki datang melimpah,

Nak dirikan sembahyang, rakan baik setan suruh lengah-lengah,

Allah tarik nikmatku sampai nangis keluar air mata darah barulah padah.



Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Allah kasi aku jasad siap dengan bayang-bayang,

Bukan ke lebih baik daripada tiang,

Berdiri tanpa roh malam dan siang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Kerja dah best keluarga pun dah senang,
Negara aman damai tak lagi hidup berdagang,

Takkan 5 minit 5 waktu aku tak boleh nak luang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Allah kasi otak supaya aku tak bangang,

Allah kasi ilmu boleh fikir susah senang,

Allah kasi nikmat kenapalah aku tak kenang,

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Tengok TV, main bola aku sanggup sampai petang,

Beli tiket konsert, bayar time shopping aku sanggupberatur panjang,

Ingat masuk syurga masuk neraka boleh main hutang-hutang?!!

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Aku kena ingat umur kita bukannya panjang,

Pagi sihat entah petang nanti dah kejang,

Nanti dalam kubur kena balun sorang-sorang.

Apasal laa aku malas sembahyang,

Seksa neraka cubalah aku bayang,

Perjalanan akhirat memang terlalu panjang,

Janji Allah Taala akan tertunai tak siapa boleh halang!!!


3 exclamation marks there....pretty scary huh?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I miss him…
I really miss him…and it sucks like hell!



THERE, I’VE SAID IT!



Goodness gracious…that feels so good to let it all go!
I mean, I’ve been telling myself to keep it deep inside within me for so long, and now, I’m finally facing the truth. I miss him like crazy!



Not like I’m going out of my mind, or like all that I can think about is him and only him but he’s there, somewhere in my head. He’s always there. I keep on waking up in the morning wishing that there’s a miss call or a message from him. Every time there’s an unknown number calling me, I wish like hell for it to be him! I’m desperately missing him. It’s been a month plus now, and there’s no sign of him.



God knows where on earth he might be. I keep on praying that he’ll call me or something. I miss him so much! I don’t know what to do with myself! Now, how weird does that sound?



For the past weeks I’ve been telling myself that it’s not important, well at least not that important and I think I need to tell that to myself so that I don’t go crazy. But now, it’s been quite awhile and I’m not so sure. I want him back in my life. I want to make it work. I mean, I barely knew him but for some stupid, unexplainable reason I really like him so much that I’m willing to stay and wait for him.



I told my friend that maybe it’s for the best. I now have full control of my life. I don’t have to worry about anything and I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission. But she asked me to think carefully. Is this really what I want? Am I really happy with the way things are?



It finally hit me that, maybe I like having other people telling me what to do, maybe I like that fact that there is someone else looking after me, asking me where I went, what I did, when I’m coming home, forbidding me not to sleep over, calling me every night and telling me that he cares about me and that he loves me even if that’s not entirely true.



I want to have all that. I want to be back during the days where I have all that going on in my life. I want to feel belonged to someone because it feels so good. It really does. I want to feel belonged to him and not anyone else. I want to believe that he is the one for me though in reality he is so far away.



I want it all back…
So much that it hurts!



People often say that some things that are just too good to be true may not come true at all! That was exactly what I felt back then. It feels so right, too perfect and that got me freaked out. All that was because deep within my heart I knew that something bad would happen and it finally did. Even now, I still can’t believe what’s happening to this relationship. It was so good, so smooth in fact and all of the sudden, it turned into a total disaster. The next thing I knew it slipped away from me though I tried so hard to make it work.



Was there anything else that I can do to stop it?



No…I don’t think so…



It sucks when you tried so hard to make something work and by the end of the day you realize that there is nothing that you can do. I want to be mad at him but I just cannot do it! It’s not like he has control of the situation himself. If it wasn’t because of me, he wouldn’t be here at the first place.



I keep on asking myself, why do you like him so much?
What is it about him that is different compared to the others?



And the answer is simply because he makes me feel safe and belonged. These feelings that I have never felt before with anyone else. It’s like I knew that he is not with me but the fact that I belong to him makes me feel safe. I feel that I can rely on him in times of need and he would protect me from the dragons that would haunt me wherever I go. It feels like he is my knight and I know that he will never let anything harm me. I never thought that I would feel like that ever but that’s how I feel when I’m with him.



I know that it makes me sound so mushy and so dependent which I try so hard not to be (I think I just made him into a heroic character in a fairy tale…) but it’s just the way I feel when I’m with him. So weird because I have never felt like that with any other guy before and it feels so good to feel that way.



Sometimes I’m afraid that I would not feel that way ever again. A wise person once told me that in love, there is no logic. People do crazy stuff when they are in love. Even the most logical person would do something so incredulous that it’s just too good to be true but that’s the power of love. Deep down you know that it’s not right but you just do it anyway.



Do I love him?



I think not…I would say that I like him but maybe not love. It takes a lot to love someone. Sometimes I think, if liking someone cost you this much, what more love? Will it take up everything that you’ve got? Stripping you naked? Living you all vulnerable and helpless? If so, then why fall in love?



You can’t help falling in love…It just happens…



I’m so afraid of it…not when it already hurts so much…
I’m so afraid that I’ll get lost and not knowing how to return home.
That scares the hell out of me…



I think the worse thing that could happen is when you are in a situation where you have no control what-so-ever. It’s even worst when you tried so hard to make work and it ended up not the way you expected.



Lately, I’ve been thinking about, what will I say when I meet him? Will he say anything about our relationship? Will he call it off? What am I suppose to do if he decided that it is all over? But I know that the most important question is, do I want it to end?



The answer is so simple…it’s a no.
I don’t want to call it off. I don’t want it to end. I want to start all over again and get to know this man I’ve never known… Even so, I know that deep within me, I’m so afraid that he will say that it’s all over. I keep asking myself, would he say that to me? I know I’ve got to be strong. In any relationship you must think of a possibility that you may not end up with your partner. But I don’t want it to end this way, not when I didn’t even get a chance to know him. I want to know him. Even if he isn’t meant for me, at least I want to get to know him because I just don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look upon my relationship with him and not knowing anything about him. It’s such a loss!



I wish that I can be someone important to him. Someone he remembers all the time. Someone whom he shares his sorrows and happiness with. Someone who understands him like no other. Someone he feels close to.



I want to be all that for him…because I know that I can make him to be all that to me.



I believe that God has His own way… I believe in fate. Whatever is meant to be will happen some day. It’s only a matter of time. If I am destined to be with him then with him I shall be. He will come back to me no matter how long it takes. But if he wasn’t destined to be with me, I have to learn to accept that. Even now I keep telling myself that. There will be someone else out there for me. Again, it’s just a matter of time…



But at the moment I want to believe that he is made for me, and that I’m meant to be with him. I shall wait no matter how long it takes. I shall wait until there comes a time when I can no longer wait. When the time comes I know that I can walk away without any regrets. I know that I’ve tried all I can to make it work.



For the time being I pray that Allah will answer my prayer.
Bring him back to me.
Show me the path I should take.
Lead me the way.
Hold me and don’t let me fall…
Please, please answer my prayer…

D.I.E.T

Wednesday, April 11, 2007
9.22pm

My friend came over tonight to sleep in my place coz she had a little fight with her friend about her diet program. You see, she was trying to lose weight so she asked the girl next to her room for help since she’s the queen to healthy food. Seriously, she is the ‘Queen of Healthy Food’. The girl eats nothing but healthy food! She taste other food but that’s all to it.

As for me, I was once very fat. Like 70+ going 80kg, which explains why my secondary school pictures are all so ugly. I was as fat and unstylish as ever (not to say that I’m so stylish now, but at least my hair is layered now). Hehe…So anyway, I was so fat that I think at one point of time I was bigger than my mum. It was like where ever I went with my mum people would say something like,

“Eh, ni anak ke? Dah besar dah sekarang…Sama ngan mak dia,”

Or a better one,

”Ni anak ke? Besar dah rupanya. Dulu kecil je...sekarang dah lebih besar dari mak dia,”

Boy, I almost fainted when I heard that, but since I got it like ALL the time, I got used to it and lived with the fact for years that I’m BIGGER than my mum…

Depressing, you think?

There came a time where I had to run a medical check up to enter matriculation. That’s when I found out that I have a high blood pressure and that was the turning point of my life. I was so scared of many possibilities that could happen to me. I mean, God knows what disease that I could get at such a tender age! *sob, sob =..(

So, I decided to stop eating like there’s nobody business, no more junk food after 11, no more sweet drinks (or air sedap, which what I always call it), no more eating rice that could feed 2 people each serving, so on and so forth. I even went to a dietitian for consults. I did sit up everyday before I sleep for 2 or 3 months. Finally I lost 10kgs and I was happy like hell.

I’ve been maintaining my weight but I’m still fat I think. Well, I’ve always think that I’m fat anyway. Right now, I’m working out again because I think I’m flabby all over. Have to get down to my ideal body weight!! Atta girl!! You can do it!!

The thing about dieting is, you have to be strong about it. Not only mentally but also you must enjoy what you’re doing. Like my friend, she tries so hard to follow her friend until she reaches a point where she’s tired of it and all she thinks about is food. I believe that when you do something, you have to love what you’re doing. I eat when I feel like eating but of course I watch my food intake. It’s all about making yourself happy. When you love what you’re doing, you’ll feel happy doing it and there’s no stress to it. If you get used to it, you can make it apart of your life. Now, isn’t that good? So basically, you have to feel comfortable with what you’re doing. Then the rest will fall in place.

At the moment, I’m focusing on my flabbiness.
Go girl!!
Don’t give up no matter how hopeless!
--me getting all poyo-- =)

WhY dO i CaRe??

Tuesday, April 10, 2007
10.50pm

It’s almost 11pm and I’ve just finished editing my pharmacology project. Seeing as it is I think I have to go on-line tomorrow to look for more input for my project.

Today has been a ‘sad day’ for me. I don’t know really…but for some reason (which I’m still figuring out this very minute…) I’m really sad today. Maybe it’s my monthly call…yes! I’m blaming it all to it!! It seems to be the most logical answer as to why I’m so down today. Well, actually it’s the best answer I can come up with right now.

Come to think about it again, I didn’t start the day well anyway. I came back home trying to get it out of my head but for some reason it’s like this giant magnet that got stuck in my head and no matter how hard I try to pull it out, it just won’t come off!

And let me tell you this, when something is bugging you and you know that it’s not worth thinking of but for some unexplainable reason it’s taunting you all day long…God! It’s like sucking up every ounce of energy you have within you living you completely helpless!

Why do I care so much about what people have to say?

It’s because no matter how much I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter, somehow it does. My mother always tell me,

“Biarlah apa yang orang nak cakap pasal kita, bukannya dia yang bagi kita makan,”

That’s true, but why do I still care anyway. I think it’s because deep down inside it still matters. It amazes me how people rule their judgement. Where did the accusations come from anyway? How can you accuse so easily?

Someone used to tell me that sometimes you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Let them think all they want. There are times when you want other people to understand you so much that you want to believe what you want them to believe. But we are speaking about human beings here folks, not some bionic robot where you can set their minds according to your will. So, if you don’t think that they will understand, then just forget it! Believe what they want to believe. You know who you are, the people who matters to you knows the truth and that’s all that matters.

That’s what I keep repeating to myself the whole day and finally at 11.55pm, I’m starting to believe it.

So as you can see, it has been a very long day for me…